Chapter Two. A Time Warp.

    That night she slept like a baby with sweet dreams. Early in the morning as the sun was just showing its face and casting light rays off the red mountains surrounding the quaint town. The birds outside her window were singing their beautiful songs of a new day. Off in the distance a rooster crowed his late morning call. She was daydreaming of the previous night with her husband on their honeymoon. Life was serene.
    A terrible shriek jerked her to an upright position! "What in the devil was that?" she thought shaking from fright. "Had someone just fallen from the top of a tall building?" She listened for a few moments, still shivering from that awful shriek, and then it started again. It sounded like two wild hyenas fighting to the death, only there were swearwords bouncing off every wall inside the house! She crept out of bed and tiptoed to the kitchen where the gad-awful screeching was coming from. What she saw was something she would have never imagined in her life.
    Tuffs of hair were strewn about the floor. In the middle of the kitchen were....

Here I am on my horse "Firecracker." (that was his name when I bought it) We were
riding the ranch checking out the fences and enjoying the scenery.

This was NOT what she was thinking.

   Winter was here and the temperatures were beginning to drop. Margaret had asked her husband to go out to the shop and "hook up the heaters." A few moments later, Taylor breezed through the door, "Aunt Margaret, where is Uncle David," he asked. Without thinking she replied, "Oh, he's out in the shop heating up the hookers."

Back in the groove!

Hello small world. I just borrowed brother Sam's computer so I'm up and running....er, typing again.  yyyesssss! Have been working on the ranch a little in the last couple days. Looking for a good site for the ranch house. We jumped four deer yesterday while exploring the ranch on quads, it was fun.

My HP computer just threw a rod and two pistons so I'm posting from David's comp for now. This is the fourth HP comp I've bought in the last four years and believe me, I will NOT EVER buy another HP for as long as I'm still wheezing.
I will not get to post very often until it gets fixed which might take a few weeks since we don't have a computer geek here.

An everyday affair.

    Occasionally he would hit a rut too hard and a crate would tip over, breaking a few bottles and spraying soda all over us just to make the ride more enjoyable.
    It was about two o'clock in the morning and cold as..."ICE!" shouted Michael, "We're sitting on huge blocks of ice covered with sawdust!"
    "Shiver me rear-end!" I hollered over the ruckus, "No wonder my fandoodee is frozen stiff."
    Believe it or not, our benefactor had graciously given us the privilege of riding in his refrigerator! For SEVEN long hours no less. That's how long it took him to get us back home instead of the normal three hours. For seven long, dark, cold and noisy hours we sat on blocks of ice with visions of freezing into lolly-pops.
   I tell ya, be the time we did get home, Micheal and I ran straight to Mom's oven and turned that baby on full throttle. Whipping open the door, we poked our rear-ends inside and left them there until they thawed out.

The Big Family

    By now it was dark and a storm was quickly sweeping across the prairie towards us. Michael and I crawled under the tarp on top of the smelly potatoes, while the thunder and lightning resounded all around us. Uncle Dan and Aunt Jenny and their two oldest kids, Adam and Steven, hunkered down in the cab to try and get some sleep. There was no way anyone was getting out in the darkness and rain to try and access the damage. Besides, they would need scuba gear if they did.
    Sleep was impossible and an eternity passed before we heard the faint sound of motor slipping and sliding through the muck. We listened intently as the noise grew louder...

Another line or two. "Of Murder, Mayhem and Mexico."

His captor sat in silence a few moments contemplating on what Eric had been telling him.
    He seemed troubled in his mind because Eric had lit a spark and it was now beginning to grow. Yet the other side was raging a battle also as it still wanted to continue in the lucrative habits it was accustomed to. 

A taste of my next book. "Of Murder, Mayhem and Mexico."

  There was also a woman in the crowd whose husband had been kidnapped and she had silently paid the ransom but to her horror, they did not release him. Over a year has gone be since that horrible day and she has not heard from the killers or her beloved husband. She can only hope he is still alive, but sadly, it is not likely. She stood up before the legislature and delivered a powerful and compelling speech about the terrible state the country is in and pleaded with them to help her. She also begged them to help everyone who has had the terrible misfortune of having their child or mate snatched from their home and tortured. She lauded the LeBaron's effort and told them to never back down and have faith that God and the government would come to their aid. When she stepped down I had to wipe the tears from my cheek so earnest and heartwrenching was her plea.

More, more, more, I WANT MORE SAYINGS....pretty please.

    I just know that in this gigantic family and out there in the big wide world every kid has his "moment" of fame...or infamy, with a funny or frank saying. Mothers, just reach back into the dark corners of your mind and pull out some of those fading memories of when your kid said something so funny your eyeballs nearly popped out of your head with laughter. I know you have them, you just have to put some WD -40 on that rusty old part of the brain that keeps memories and loosen up those cogs a little, then write them down and share'um with me! Dads, I'm sure you have a few that you can remember too. So quit playing warcraft or halo for a few minutes and send me some...hehe.

Cousin Adam took office today as the new President, or Mayor of Bavispe. He threw a big party with steak, free booze...not for us of course....and a live band with dancing till the wee hours of the morn. He will be Mayor for the next three years. This is his second term...and I hope he does a good job.

Let's go on a Safari Adventure!

   Took a friend down to the ranch yesterday. He wanted to look it over to see how much wild life there is on it. We are thinking of starting a "dude ranch" of some sort and offer a "Safari adventure" where a father and son team can come and bow hunt a buck, or a wild pig. They can also canoe down the river and go fishing and camping. We will also offer wild turkey hunts, horseback riding, mountain lion hunts, quad rides and at certain times of the year, white water rafting. So for a package price you can do several things instead of just hunting, that way the younger ones will enjoy it a lot more.

Early every morning and sometimes in the evenings, I get me a hot cup of coffee and sit down at my computer and try to write at least one page in one of my three ongoing books. Well they're not books yet but I like to call them "books" anyway. I'm trying to finish my "Kids Who Tell It Like It Is" book first, so of course I focus more of my time on it. I'm still looking for a unique artist with a great sense of humor. I have at least 30 drawings I need done to describe some of my "Kids" sayings. Again the artist that comes to mind is Bill Watterson. His "Calvin" caricature reminds me so much of the kids in my book. Of course I know I'm not getting Bill to draw for me, but I know there is someone out there who can do as good or better.

I've been drawing cattle brands and looking up various ones on the web in order to choose a nice looking one to start branding our cattle. Have come up with several different ones that I like and will apply for them. Hope to get at least one or two.
   Branding the poor cattle is a dirty job but someone has to do it. Still, everyone looks forward to the annual roundup, with horseback riding and camping out and all the fun involved.

    My brothers and I just bought a huge ranch in Sonora Mexico. It has a beautiful river that divides the ranch in half. The river is lined with massive cottonwood and mesquite trees. These provide ample shade to the avid fisherman on its shores. The river is full of large wide mouth bass and catfish. There are also plenty of carp and trout. Wild turkey  are abundant and there is plethora of white tail deer and hordes of wild javelin. Sitting on the bank fishing is like heaven...sigh.

This blogging thing is strange and new to me, I feel like I'm talking to myself. Well for now I am talking to myself.

I  could go on forever with these hilarious kids sayings believe me. I have written over 130 pages of classic sayings from the incredible minds of children.

Definitely wouldn't want to be a board...in the next life anyway.

Here's another one I thought was hilarious.
Gabriel, age four, was listening in on a discussion by some older folk. They were talking about what had happened that day and that they were bored out of their minds. Gabriel decided to butt in and add his two cents of intelligence and said, "I don't want to be a board, cuz then I'd get screwed."

This one would have a drawing of a board with a face and with two eyes looking up in alarm at a "wood screw" in forehead.

Please make sure and include everyone in the family picture next time!

Here is a sample of "my" kids sayings.
Jordan was the youngest in the family and I'm sure the most spoiled. He was in the living room observing the family picture when he noticed he wasn't in it.
    "Mom, why ain't I in this family picture?" he demanded.
    "Because you were in heaven at the time honey," she answered.
    "But why did you leave me up there all alone?"
    "I didn't, you were up there with your cousins, Danny and Kacy and Mark."
Jordan realized he had been taken advantage of and said with a look of disgust, "Oh I get it, you just left me up there babysitting!"

    This will have a drawing of a kid with wings and halo, with arms folded and indignant look on face surrounded by three crying babies.

I am also looking for a good artist who can draw similar to Bill Watterson's Calvin and Hobbes. His caricatures perfectly describe the kids in my book. I need someone who will work for a share of the "future profits" of my book, or you tell me?

Intro to the world

Hello out there big world. Just whipped up this blog and thought I could try and spark some interest in my soon to be published (fingers crossed) new book. I exaggerated a little there because I'm still in the process of writing it, but am getting close to the end. It is a collection of true, funny and frank sayings by little kids (and some big ones) I'm still adding sayings to it so if anyone has some that are true and funny or frank, (and original) send them my way please.
After each saying there will be a cartoon type picture depicting the story so it will be quite funny. Kids have a natural talent for getting right to the point and telling it like it is. They usually don't think before speaking, they just spit it out and get on with life.